


how i still love you

by Anonymous



Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018) Actor RPF
Genre: Angst, Crying, Gay, I'm Sorry, M/M, Not Happy, Pining, Sad, Sorry Not Sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-08
Updated: 2019-01-08
Packaged: 2019-10-06 22:41:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17353967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: joe should've seen this coming. there was nobody else to blame but himself.





	how i still love you

**Author's Note:**

> oof alright!! this is gonna suck but i've had this idea stuck in my head all day. takes place at the golden globes after party.
> 
> EDIT: i changed some stuff, nothing too important, just added some more descriptive sentences here and there.

joe didn't know how it happened. that's a lie. he knew how it had happened, he had let it happen. somehow the man found himself wiping his tears away with his hands in front of a mirror. weak. it was all his fault. it was all his damn fault. if he hadn't fallen for his castmate so quickly and gotten his hopes up like that, he wouldn't be like this right now. he hated that. did he even have a chance in the first place? why bother to be sad at all if he knew it could never happen.

still. even though he knew his dream would never come true, there had been something that had told him there was still a possibility. that it could be just the two of them together, and that he would be happy. joe wanted to rip that something out. it was just killing him from the inside.

he could hear the muffled music and voices coming from outside the bathroom. he prayed none of his friends would come in and find him in this pathetic state. of course, the universe clearly didn't care about what joe wanted.

"here you are! me and the others were looking for you-" rami locked eyes with joe. the egyptian scowled and walked over, noticing the other had been crying recently. 

“joe.. are you doing alright?" he asked in a soft voice, gently placing his hand on the younger man's shoulder as he did so.

joe inhaled a sharp breath and nodded, forcing a smile onto his lips. "i'm doing great, rami," he lied. "i couldn't be doing better, we won!" he had to add a little more enthusiasm to make it believable. he was the loudest of the four after all.

rami smiled, though the frown didn't really leave his face completely. "i know, it's wonderful." he knew his friend wasn't telling him the truth, but if joe didn't feel like talking about it, he'd wait. he didn't want to pressure him. "come out when you're ready, we'll be waiting for you." 

he gave his shoulder a soft squeeze and left without saying another word. joe sighed and washed his face, looking at himself in the mirror before walking out. 

joe looked around and examined the room. he spotted lucy and smiled in relief, walking over as quickly as possible without looking too desperate. 

lucy smiled. "joe, you went missing for a while," she said jokingly, nudging his side. "we got worried." 

joe ran his fingers through his hair. "i know, im sorry." he chuckled softly. 

joe was grateful to have somebody like lucy in their group. she could always make one feel so calm and safe. it was relieving, something his other friends could never achieve even if they tried. sure they were great company, but lucy was different. she always knew what to say, or what not to say. sometimes she'd just give one a knowing look and an encouraging smile, and that would be enough.

the conversation went fairly well. they joked around a bit and joe had almost forgotten what he had been so upset over a few moments ago. that is until lucy mentioned his name.

"gwil was looking for you earlier, so was ben," she had commented casually.

**ben.**

joe didn't know whether he wanted to laugh or cry. he wanted to scoff and say  _“right. ben was looking for me. as if he would care enough.”_

instead he offered a fake grin and nodded, because he couldn't say that. ben was still his friend, and joe still loved him very dearly despite of what he did. "i'm sure i gave them a scare disappearing like that."

he wasn't planning on actually going and talking to them. he would probably stay with lucy for a while and avoid the two british men as much as possible, but he knew all good things had to come to an end sooner or later.

"mate!" he heard a familiar deep voice call. 

joe cringed internally. he really didn't feel like spending time with the other two castmates, he couldn't.

the blonde man patted joe's back as he walked over, smiling. "where were you earlier? we couldn't find you anywhere!" 

joe had to swallow a sigh and scoff playfully. "i wasn't gone that long, you know?" he wanted to sound friendly, like he always did around ben, but instead it came out like a cold, harsh answer.

ben furrowed his brow at the unfamiliar tone. "alright, i was just wandering." 

joe wanted to punch himself in the jaw for acting so aggressive towards ben. it wasn't his fault. he shouldn't be mad at his friend and he knew it, but he was scared they would notice. despite being an actor, he never was that good at hiding his emotions.

just as he thought it couldn't get worse, gwil walked over and joined the conversation, and that was already too much for joe to handle. rami joined soon after, which didn't bother the new yorker as much as he thought it would. 

the other four chatted about something joe was too upset to care about. he would often cast glances at ben and gwil. watch how their shoulders would be always touching, or how their hands gently grazed against one another ever so slightly. they looked so happy together, and that enraged him so much. why couldn't he have that? why had ben chosen gwilym and not him? was he simply not good enough? he had been nothing but a good friend throughout the whole shooting, always trying to stay positive and maintain a happy mood, and it that moment, he realized. 

nothing but a good  **friend.**

he would never be with ben because he would never be the perfect lover, at least not in ben's eyes. hell. maybe he would never be the perfect lover for anyone.

it wasn't fair, really, how lucy and rami got to be together, as well as gwilym and ben, yet he had to remain alone. he had to lay at night with no one by his side to kiss the back of his neck tenderly and keep him warm in a loving embrace. 

did he not deserve that? to be loved? 

joe didn't realize he had began to tear up until he felt a faint grip on his arm. he turned to look at ben, who stared at him with those beautiful blue eyes, full of concern. the shorter man scowled, and ben dragged him out of the group of people to a more quiet place, which caught the others' attention, though they only casted a few glances and decided to keep talking. gwilym's gaze lingered for a bit longer on the pair before he joined the conversation again.

once they were far enough from the rest of the cast, the blonde loosened his grip, not letting go yet. "what's wrong?" he asked, his accent thick as always. 

joe blinked his tears away and shook his head, pulling his arm away. "nothing's wrong."

ben scoffed, and joe could hear his desperation. "why do you keep lying? you keep telling me nothing's wrong yet you act so differently around me. so tell me, what's wrong?" 

the redhead scowled. was ben this fucking dense? he let our a stiff chuckle. "you wanna know what's wrong?"

ben narrowed his eyes.

"everything's wrong!" joe replied.

the blonde scowled, and the other could see a hint of confusion in his eyes. "joe.."

the shorter man interrupted him. "no, let me finish," he huffed. "i just- i just can't understand where i went wrong." he made a pause, staring into ben's eyes. "where did i go wrong?" his voice went so quiet all of a sudden that it made ben uneasy. 

"what do you mean?" 

joe wanted to scream. tears started to form in his eyes again. "you're so- stupid-" he spat, his voice cracking. "i've loved you since we first met and you didn't even acknowledge it! you thought it was part of some big dumb joke and you just-" he sniffled, "y-you just.." 

ben scowled and sighed, pulling the other man in for a hug, wrapping his muscular arms around him comfortingly. 

they stayed like that for a few moments until joe calmed down.

"i'm sorry," the english man muttered softly. "i never meant to hurt you.." 

joe sighed, breathing into ben's shoulder. "i know.. it was all my fault.." 

ben shook his head and pulled away, holding joe by his upper arms and staring into his hazel eyes. "no. don't say that." he sighed. "it was nobody's fault.." 

joe frowned and sighed, understanding what ben was implying just by looking at his face. 

“it wasn't meant to be..”

**Author's Note:**

> yikes well that sucked!! feel free to bleach your eyes after this :)


End file.
